Holidays

Ah, an actual impromptu blog.  So, I am at the tail end of my Jersey tour.  My Mom and I met up with S & C today.  We went to the MET which was pretty cool. I haven't been there with them in many years.  It was interesting to see some of the exhibits that I remember loving as a child.  So many flashbacks during this trip. I always feel like I'm a kid looking through an adults eyes when I visit the house in Caldwell.  Sometimes when I am standing in the house after everyone else is sleeping, I feel the haunt of the house.  It's scary how many intense and frightening things happened there.  A lot of sorrow was created within those walls.  I wonder if an outsider can feel it or am I just sensitive to it because I lived through screaming parents, midnight calls from the Caldwell PD about my older brother, broken glass from my bedroom mirror running against my wrists.  It wasn't all bad but I was sad a lot.  That was the general feeling.  Sadness.  I can see that depression can run through the family as I walk downstairs and find my Dad sitting in darkness listening to music on his new IPOD shuffle. I know what he is doing because I do it too.  I sink into music when I am depressed, listening to the same songs hoping that they can shed a light on my sadness and confusion.  I tell him not to get lost in the music knowing full well that later on that night, I will be doing the same thing.  I have no answers, I never do. I was thinking about some of the decisions that I've made over the past four months.  Wondering when to trust my heart and when to trust my head.  I had to make a difficult decision not to be friends with someone and my head has been going crazy but I have to trust my heart.  When I feel like texting or calling her what stops me is my heart, which incidentally was what got me into the relationship.  So while my head is freaking out, I check my heart before making a phone call.  It has constantly told me "No, hold on."  I am angry but I have to believe that there is a reason for this hesitation.  I just wish I knew why.  I do know that my body physically reacts too when I try and go through with contact.  I feel sick to my stomach and that I suppose is another warning.

Holidays are hard especially without a partner.  I want to spend time with my family because I live so far away but very often we are on edge.  I wish it could be relaxed.  I don't want to leave wishing that I hadn't stayed for so long.  

In the coming new year some of my hopes are my heart heals, that I can take another class, that I can continue guitar lessons, find a girlfriend that excites me, work becomes a place that I can brag about again.  

A lesson learned...

O.K., I think I'll write about my weekend instead. It's a bit difficult to focus on this prompt right now and I had a really fun weekend.

Friday night, L and I went to the Yellow Sofa cafe and listened to a local gypsy jazz band, Swing Caravan. They sounded great and I discovered a new favorite drink: Matte Latte, steamed milk and Yerba Mate. Oh heaven. So delicious. So full of caffeine. Or matteine. Whatever.
It was great to have some solo time with L. It's been a while since we've hung out together partially because out friendship has been changing. I don't think it's a bad thing but we've been going in different directions with our lives. Sometimes I feel that maybe we should allow ourselves to grow apart but I don't really want that. L an I have been through many trials of friendship together and it's possibly one of the most challenging relationships that I've ever been in. I think that we can try and make our relationship work even through the life changes but sometimes it's hard. It's like being shut out and uncertain when you'll be let back in. It will take a lot of belief on both sides but I feel like there is a reason to keep going.
The next day I had to work. I love my job at the store but lately, life has started to become really busy so it's not always easy for me to be there. I love my customers and always enjoy absorbing new books and games but I know that one day, I'll have to let it go once I get a "real job."
During that evening I went to F's ___ birthday party which was awesome. I think it was fun because there weren't tons of people there but it was a good crowd. My favorite type of party. The lovely K was hosting the party (Glee) on an amazingly stormy night. It was one of those storms that is super warm and windy. I love storms like this because they always blow something new into the world. It's a time where Mother Nature helps push everything she's nurtured into the next stage. I felt like I was standing on board a pirate ship.
Sunday, I woke up early (eek gad) which was not easy after getting home late. I put away all of my Summer clothes in exchange for the Fall ones and got ready to study at Packard's with L & R. When we goth there, I had the best burger in the World. The Ultimate Beer Battered which is essentially a jalapeno popper burger. It still rests like a stone in my belly.

The Morning Rain.

I woke up early this morning, listening to the rain outside of my bedroom window.
I had thoughts of her, like I do every morning since we broke up.

Laying still in the darkness, warm underneath my blankets, I'm trying to decide if I should just roll out of bed and get to work but I decide to stay where I am. I want to lay here for a bit but, the urge to pee has been heightened but the sound of the rain so I throw my blankets off and scuttle off to the bathroom.

Quickly, I flush and then make my way back to my room where the bed is still warm. Checking the clock, I see that I still have ample time to rest. I spend too much of my day running around, trying to make things run smoothly that it is nice to rest here for a while.

I am back under the covers and I can hear the soft music playing from across the room on my IPOD. John Mayer is crooning silently about love and trust and I am wishing that she was here with me, tucked away in the warmth of my morning bed.

If I could change one thing about myself...

..it would be how I obsess over women. I feel that if I weren't always fantasizing, living in a dream where I'm touching them, I could harness a lot of my intellect and creativity. Instead of writing a story, I daydream about the latest distraction. Pining over failed relationships. Will I ever let it go? Move on. If I did, what would I spend my time thinking about? Class. Reading. Playing music, juggling, hanging out with friends, exercise? But no. Instead I sit and think about the moments I wish I could have.

Otis Redding is singing " A Change is Gonna Come" on my stereo behind me.

The best thing that happened this week.

Originally written 9/26/08

Well, I think that best thing that happened this week was yesterday's gym class. We were supposed to be playing basketball but I just couldn't gather up the energy to play so, I spoke with L & M about playing some double dutch.
It was so much fun!
I totally suck because as little girl, I never played it. It was always the girly girl think to do and I stayed well enough away from stupid things like that.
Of course now, 60 years later, I see it as the cool alternative sport. I like how it's popular in black culture. I felt a little blacker every time I tried to jump in. It was awesome. I went home and downloaded You Tube videos. My students were talking about how the Philly teams are especially nice. I want to find out everything I could about this culture. It was like my ping pong obsession all over again.
I seem to really enjoy off the cuff sports: Surfing, tennis, soccer, boomerang, field events, skateboarding, bmx, and now double dutch. It's not that I don't like mainstream sports. I'm just more attracted to the edgier ones. So yeah. Playing double dutch was the best thing that happened this week. I'm hoping one day we're good enough to challenge Wildwood Elementary but I hear they're pretty killer.

The Crust

This entry is dedicated to Sarah and all of the other Crust lovers that help me finish my pizza.

I am not a crust eater. I find that it wastes valuable space in my belly that can be filled with warm, sweet tomato sauce and a variety of toppings. The first part of the pizza is just so easy to eat. You can fold it up and push it into your gullet, easy as liquid. There's just something about pizza that lets you store it in your belly like sheets of paper bound together in a package. I imagine the slices are standing upright against my insides, making way for the next piece to come down. I find it no small wonder that pizza eating contests are so popular amongst enthusiasts of all ages.

But then, there's the crust. I know that once I've made it to this point in the pizza, it's slow going. Starting off with the best of intentions, I consider that no food should be wasted. There are starving people everywhere.

I begin where the pizza leaves off: The edges are still soft and doughy so I can't resist nibbling on the floury crust. A few bite marks later and I am attempting to eat my way around the burnt edges. This is where I start to feel defeated. It's just so dense. The hard bits are crumbling all around me. True, it's tasty but it's just too much work and I have another slice of pizza loaded with mushrooms sitting in front of me.
I continue to think about the starving people but I just can't do it. Taking one final bite off of the edge, I look sorrowfully at the dark brown crust before me, tossing it back into the take out box.

This is when my crust partner takes over.

The crust partner is essential. Without them, I'm nothing to a slice of pizza. They're are the ones who can take away the guilt of my perpetually unfinished project.
There are certain people in this world that live for crusts. It is not my intention to say that they spend their lives scrounging through the trash of others, waiting to see what the can scavenge. ( Although they do, kind of.) What I mean to say is that they've cultivated a taste for what some may say is the best part of the pizza. These are the people that can battle that thick, chewy, rind of bread with ease. Made of sterner stuff that I, they can dash away a piece of crust with dedication that I am incapable of.

What's funny is, I never have to look to far to find my crust partners. They're usually hovering around, without my knowledge, waiting for me to throw in the towel.
There I'll be, sitting, arguing internally about how it's time to move on to that other piece. I'll have just accepted the truth that I am in fact a spoiled brat when my crust partner will swoop in with an offer to devour the remains. I am saved.

Once I discover my pizza soul mate, I use them constantly. Offering all I can to these creatures. I will even stop a bit before the crust begins so that they too, can enjoy some of the soft bits before decimating the final pieces of pizza. It's neat. Everything has been put where it needs to be. All that's left in the box are crumbs and a bit of oil to remind me of the relationship made between those who can swallow bulk with ease but need help with chewing the toughest parts.

A funny thing.

Oh boy. So many funny things. Let's see. It's hard to think about funny things although there were many funny things that happened this weekend.
It was so wonderful. My friends and I had such a reunion this weekend. It could have gone for a couple more days but I really did have to get back to my regular schedule.
It started last week when Willi arrived but it culminated this weekend when everyone was in town. I was very glad that I took this weekend off. I was sad that my Mom couldn't join the festivities because it was a picture perfect New England Weekend. But this did allow me to say yes to a lot of things. I was able to spend as much time as I wanted with my friends. It felt so good to be surrounded. So at ease with people who have known me as an adult for a very long time. We experienced our second growth together and I am sad every time that they have to return to their corners of the Earth. I remembered that at one point, we were all together in this place for many years. It was only after a lot of development that we went our separate ways. It's funny that some of them romanticize moving back here. It is an amazing area but I think, "You've made it out. Why come back? You have a life out there now and friends just like you had here. Don't I want them to return? To feel surrounded by love? It's tough because I know that having a family of friends supporting me in this area.
But I don't feel as like I am so far away from them. Physically, yes the distance is vast but I can always pick up a phone and make contact with them no matter where they are in the world and that has kept me from feeling sad.
So many things happened to me this weekend and I could list them all off but I prefer to just let it be. I'll let each individual memory be secret to the world but in my mind they'll be added to the rest of the memories of my friends.

Your worst enemy

Uh...my worst enemy. I don't really have a person who is my worst enemy. I may of had people that pissed me off but no real enemies.
I'll guess I'll have to go conceptual so my own worst enemy is procrastination and self doubt. Actually, self doubt is probably at a higher ranking than procrastination. Self doubt keeps me from speaking my mind. It stops me from making advances in my life. Even when all the steps are laid out before me, my future can seem insurmountable but when I look back on something that I thought was going to be difficult, I find that it usually was not that hard. It just took some effort to get going.

Faith

Yes, the prompt was faith.

I have a friend named Faith. She's very nice and smart. She's a school teacher and works as a SPed teacher which is what I want to do with my too. I love her lots because she's thinks I'm funny and will listen to me talk and she's easy to hang out with. We have been friends for a long time. She's even met my Mom!
Faith and I have been through a lot together. We both broke up with our long term partners within the couple of years and we used each other as support. I'm glad that even though out lives have changed drastically, we are helping each other move on. Friends can be good like that. I feel comfortable talking to her about stuff that bothers me and stuff that makes me happy. It is a balanced friendship. Not like many where one persons needs can take up all the airtime. We takes turns, we commiserate, it's not uncomfortable to just be.
It's her birthday soon. Her friend Kara is having a party. Yay. I could use a party. I wonder if my ex will be there? It doesn't matter. We've been talking. As long as she doesn't bring a lover, I'll be fine.

I admire people who...

...are sure of themselves and are doing what they what they enjoy, especially when they get to travel. I am really attracted to people who are confident in their abilities especially when it took a lot of hard work to get them where they are going. I am drawn to powerful people. The older I get, the more I am attracted to people who have a fierce sense of who they are. I don't even worry about getting drawn to the "wrong" type of people because it has become my desire to seek out certain types of stimulation. I thrive on being around people who make me think about developing my own skills. Even at my age, I still have many role models that I continue to look towards to teach me how to obtain success in whatever endeavors I pursue.

A dream or a nightmare

Don't really want to write about about this prompt. Just want to daydream(uhh...) Why are girls so cute? It's so unfair. I shouldn't say girls. That sound like I'm a perv. Women. That's actually what I'm looking for.

So why are Women so damn attractive?

So last night I went to a pretty cool Kirtan. It was interesting to see how I was received. So many spacey people. I opted to not be spacey and just be myself. Strong, present, intense stare but hopefully not in a threatening way. I don't want to pretend I'm something I'm not. I'm not trying to blend in. I am there to sing, to open up my body to the sound. I like it.

So there I was chanting away when all of a sudden I eye this woman dancing around with the a child. There's something that attracts me to her from across the room. I smile at her and sort of ignore the feeling because I'm trying to make this experience sacred rather than sexual. Here I am in a roomful of beautiful women and yet I am drawn to only this one.

I try and ignore and reach deeper into the chant when I see her coming over to my side of the room. Now I totally can't ignore her because she is right there. I look at her and smile. She turns to stare for a moment and then looks away and begins to laugh to herself. Oh, giggling girl. So fine. She's gorgeous and she's beginning to notice that I can't keep my eyes off of her. Thankfully, she hides herself behind another person in the crowd and I am able to get back to what I was doing. As the evening draws to a close and the lights are turned off, everyone begins to lay down. The barrier between us is taken down but I try to focus on the chant. I'm not here to hit on women. I'm here to...oh, who the heck am I kidding? This girl can't be gay. I don't know why I'm even bothering thinking about her.

So the chant ends and we all rise. I go to put my bolster away and then decide that I have to go make contact. I don't know what the hell I am going to say because I am quite sure that we have very little in common. I am a visitor here.

She's outside the studio talking to a friend. I ask her for the key to the Bathroom and that is the extent of out conversation. Looking into her eyes, I see that they are open but I can't find anything to say.

When I get home, I check her FB page and she that she's in a relationship (FUCK!), with a woman (YES!).

Hormones

Originally written on 10/29/08

My God, I'm in a cranky mood. I am definitely about to menstruate. I totally got into a fight with my friend last night and didn't know why I was feeling so tense but now I realize that sensation of wanting to kill everyone. I hate this feeling of just being angry.
I didn't get crap done last night. We were supposed to study for about five hours but ended up not getting to work until 8pm which left me with three hours. Then I didn't understand what to do until 9pm. Two hours. Then when I did now what I had to do, I couldn't understand how to do it. Fuckin' sucks. I wanted to be able to understand but it is a ton of statistics that I just don't get. Meanwhile, I could have revised my paper, taken notes to prepare for my lit review. I just feel so unprepared this week although my reading was done. There was still so much time off task. Also, I still can't get MM off my mind so I feel bad about myself for that too. I just want to curl up in bed but I can't. I have to work, work and more work.
So there's a lot to feel bad about today. Definitely menstrual. Not much patience.

A time you didn't follow the crowd.

I sometimes get accused of trying to be different from everyone else. I don't try to be contrary or weird. I actually think we, as people are more alike than not. I used to find comfort in the idea that " I am distinct from everyone else. " The first time I realized that this wasn't entirely true, I was embarrassed. I was staring to see patterns, observing that at times, I would come up with an idea and was right sure I was the first in the world to think about it. For instance when I worked at the deli at B&C, I would experiment with making coffee drinks. My housemate, John B. and I created a drink with rice dream, chocolate and coffee. We got all excited because we thought that we actually came up with the idea until a coworker came up to us and informed us that he came up with the idea. I thought, "Well, there goes my originality." Then I found another version of the drink at a local cafe. It's all been done before but because I was only aware of my own experience, I figured I was unique. This doesn't make me any less special but it started to wake me up to the fact that people often share more than they realize. I'm really not answering the prompt. I guess there are many times that I will work against the crowd but I've learned more about myself when I look at how I am similar.

Pro/Con

Originally from 9/17/08

I can't stop thinking about...M. I am going mad slowly. Actually, I'm not going mad. Mad was a freakin month ago when we broke up for no real good reason. Alright, it wasn't for no reason. She was turned off so I shut the door and didn't turn around. But now I saw her downtown the other night and can't stop thinking about her. Why? She sure as hell wasn't sticking around to talk, or so it seemed. Part of me thinks we would make a good couple but another part of me knows that there is no way she is worth. She really is a witchy woman though and I am so drawn to her. I wanted to embrace her as we parted ways but it was clear that she was guarding herself so I was stuck between wanting to charge after her or running the other way into oncoming traffic. Does she still want me? I don't know? I don't know anything other than their are strong and vulnerable emotions that can either be analyzed or ignored. I have a sense that we may try again and that idea pleases me but then I think I have to be fucking crazy to even think about that. She just doesn't deserve you. So now you shouldn't look back. Get together. Get out. AAAAAAH. Energy is flowing back and forth. Typical. God, which way do I go? I try to write the words to see what feels best but it's both. Ultimately I feel like it's No. Go. Sigh.

Pros- Turns me on, Smart, Funny, Easy to be with, Gemini, Energetic and Active, Strong, Sex is fun (when it happens), Spiritual, Dancer, Hardworker, The ability to surprise me, Universe likes us.

Cons - Thinks I smell, Doesn't want sex, History of Commitment Issues, Party Girl, Super Young, Preparing me for gone since we met.

The _________thing that happened this week.

Journal from Sept. 11th, 2008

The best thing that happened this week was, I got paid.
I've been living from check to check since June and I am finally entering a time when I actually have "extra" money for myself. Granted, it's not a lot but now I can go get a real haircut or go to the movies or buy some comic books.
Actually, today I'm ordering from Sibies 1)because I didn't have enough time to make my lunch this morning and 2)because I had a few extra bucks. Mikey even gave me some quarters to help out so now I can even go do my laundry.
Also, LF taped America's Next Top Model for me so I can go home tonight after class and laugh at Tyra.
I am also psyched because we are working on guitar this week in music class. I am doing an interesting study that looks at the wedding together of Rap Music with Rock Music, specifically using the electric guitar.

Confidence

A friend asked me if I had issues with self esteem. She asked me because she has a tape playing in her head telling her that she's not good enough and will never be worth it. I stopped listening to those tapes long ago. It's not that I'm oblivious to what outer influences are pushing on me. It's just that I never let that bullshit get to me. If I started to doubt myself I would shut it down until the tapes no longer affected me. I've been doing this since middle school. I think before that, I just didn't think about it. In elementary school, the pressure to be this and that wasn't as demanding although, even in elementary school, I was an odd duck. Sports helped too with confidence. I was always naturally good and knew, that even as a female, I would get praised for my athleticism. That, combined with my ability to laugh at many situations, saved me from tapes by overpowering them.
So when the tapes are going, press stop, rewind and re-record. Easier said than done. Especially when they're working overtime.

Let's begin

Hi. I'm Shannon and I am new to blogging. Sort of. I'm going to try and make this a regular thing but... I have been writing journal entries everyday for the past couple of months so who knows what will come of this.
Right now I am sitting at one of my places of employment waiting for the prick of noon. My weekends have been super full and this one is no different. I woke up around 4:30a this morning to go in for a 5:30a shift. Ah 24 hr comic book day. So bizarre watching the sun come up. 30 more minutes and I can go home and rest for a bit before helping my neighbor with some chores.