Ah, an actual impromptu blog. So, I am at the tail end of my Jersey tour. My Mom and I met up with S & C today. We went to the MET which was pretty cool. I haven't been there with them in many years. It was interesting to see some of the exhibits that I remember loving as a child. So many flashbacks during this trip. I always feel like I'm a kid looking through an adults eyes when I visit the house in Caldwell. Sometimes when I am standing in the house after everyone else is sleeping, I feel the haunt of the house. It's scary how many intense and frightening things happened there. A lot of sorrow was created within those walls. I wonder if an outsider can feel it or am I just sensitive to it because I lived through screaming parents, midnight calls from the Caldwell PD about my older brother, broken glass from my bedroom mirror running against my wrists. It wasn't all bad but I was sad a lot. That was the general feeling. Sadness. I can see that depression can run through the family as I walk downstairs and find my Dad sitting in darkness listening to music on his new IPOD shuffle. I know what he is doing because I do it too. I sink into music when I am depressed, listening to the same songs hoping that they can shed a light on my sadness and confusion. I tell him not to get lost in the music knowing full well that later on that night, I will be doing the same thing. I have no answers, I never do. I was thinking about some of the decisions that I've made over the past four months. Wondering when to trust my heart and when to trust my head. I had to make a difficult decision not to be friends with someone and my head has been going crazy but I have to trust my heart. When I feel like texting or calling her what stops me is my heart, which incidentally was what got me into the relationship. So while my head is freaking out, I check my heart before making a phone call. It has constantly told me "No, hold on." I am angry but I have to believe that there is a reason for this hesitation. I just wish I knew why. I do know that my body physically reacts too when I try and go through with contact. I feel sick to my stomach and that I suppose is another warning.
Holidays are hard especially without a partner. I want to spend time with my family because I live so far away but very often we are on edge. I wish it could be relaxed. I don't want to leave wishing that I hadn't stayed for so long.
In the coming new year some of my hopes are my heart heals, that I can take another class, that I can continue guitar lessons, find a girlfriend that excites me, work becomes a place that I can brag about again.
